on the LEAUX.

it happened, y’all. i turned thirty. THIRTY. as in, i am no longer in my twenties.

and let me tell you: my previous expectations of where i thought i would be at thirty vs. the reality of being thirty couldn’t be farther apart. as a teenager, thirty always seemed mystical, like it was the magic age where you were automatically married with two kids, a great job, and a nice house. and even if you weren’t those things, you were still winning because you were GROWN and had your life alllllll the way together.

i couldn’t have had it more wrong if i had tried. first of all (yes, insert neck roll here), at thirty with an eight-year-old child, marriage scares THEEE crap out of me. real deal. maybe i’ll be ready when i’m forty…or not. *shrugs* i’ve been looked at strangely when outlining my future plans and not mentioning a man or marriage, because “don’t you want more kids?” (nope), “aren’t you lonely?” (nope), “doesn’t G want a stepdaddy?” (yep, but she’s also good on father figures, so issa no from me, dawg).

second of all, i still don’t feel grown. i just moved out of my mama and daddy’s house for the third (and hopefully last) time, just to move in with my sister and her family. before you pass judgment, just know that i am not ashamed of either of those facts. i am still the child in “it takes a village to raise a child.” i just have a smaller child who needs that village, too. and also, do y’all know how amazing multi-generational and multi-family households are? no? well…

and third of all, i definitely do not have it allllllllll the way together. not even a little bit. well, maybe a tiny bit…like a speck. but that’s it. i will be starting only my second full-time job ever in September, and the process of job-searching was a BEAST, to say the absolute least. i struggle with imposter syndrome both professionally and personally (me as a mother is still mind-boggling to me, even eight years later). my mental wellness and health journey has been rocky AF (although it has been balancing out lately. YAY). and i am sure that, if i felt like thinking hard enough, i could fill pages on pages on pages with all of the ways that i am a complete mess. but then i remember the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, and i remember to just keep writing the story of my life:

Every book in here, I wrote. Some I’m not too proud of; some I wish I could burn. So many pages I wrote, wish I could revise them. But there’s no erasing, and the best advice I got was keep writing, and keep living, and keep loving. And when the ink dries and the pages turn to dust, so will we…

— “Dust” (F. Ocean, 2011)

i say all that to say this: i cannot believe that i am freaking thirty years old, and that my life is not what i ever expected it to be, AND i have made peace with that, focusing on keeping the amazing parts and working to change the not-so-amazing. the #30andThriving? series is about how and what i am focusing on and working to change.

i hope that anyone who reads the #30andThriving? series (especially those of you who have recently turned thirty or who are going through a major life transition) can get whatever it is they need from it, whether it be comfort that someone else doesn’t have the perfect life at thirty, or the motivation to focus on the positive in life. until the first post drops, tell me: how does/did turning thirty (or the thought of turning thirty) make you feel? if you’re already thirty(+), do/did your expectations match your reality?

until next time (:

❤️ lauren dee